


We're Having a Baby

by animegrl421



Category: South Park
Genre: Future Fic, Humor, Innuendo, M/M, Mpreg, Parody, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 13:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1690313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animegrl421/pseuds/animegrl421
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenny is pregnant with Kyle's child-at least he thinks he is. Kyle's not so sure. An mpreg parody.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're Having a Baby

“Ken seriously it’s just one drink, what’s up with you? Usually you’re chugging this stuff by now and singing about dicks.” Kyle asked, a hand reaching to feel Kenny’s forehead.

Kenny took the hand into his own before it could meet his head. His free hand clasped Kyle’s from the back as Kenny brought it towards his chest. “Kyle, I wanted to wait until you were drunk to say this but-“

“Why would you wait until I was drunk to say anything?” Kyle interrupted with a confused yet amused look as Kenny made shushing noises.

“Because if you didn’t remember I’d see your reaction twice, plus you’re more funner-“

“Just fun, Kenny.” Kyle corrected easily, taking a sip of his drink before placing his beer on the counter beside him.

“Don’t lower what I said, Kyle, you _are_ more funner when you’re drunk! But that’s not what I was saying!”

“Kenny, I’m starting to think you don’t even know what you wanted to say.”

“I wouldn’t be talking otherwise, Kye-now the reason I’m not drinking is because I _can’t_ drink. See?” Kenny gave him wide eyes while nodding as if just this was supposed to signify his news.

“Um?” Kyle sounded, amused and confused expression staying even as lips tilted upwards as he tried to mentally guess what it was Kenny meant by he couldn’t drink. “Oh! You’re doing AA and are…” He thought over when the last time Kenny drank was for a moment. Eyebrows furrowed then pupils gazed upwards then back to Kenny’s pleading face, “A day sober?”

“No! I _can’t_ drink because I’m physically unable to drink!” Kenny nodded enthusiastically at this, body practically jumping up and down in excitement.

“You developed an allergy to drinking?” Kyle guessed, speaking slowly as he formed the words off the top of his head.

Kenny looked disappointed then, body deflating some but still afloat as he gave Kyle a serious look. “No.” Then, smiling once more, “Keep guessing though!”

Kyle thought for a moment, looking around the room as if something in it would give him a hint. His eyes shifted to the right then, “You can’t drink because…” Eyes shifted to the left while fingers tapped the beer bottle in a random beat. Then, he paused. “You finally saw a doctor about that rash on your-“

Kyle was stopped by a hand colliding against his mouth. Kyle groaned, “Ow.” But underneath the appendage his word was muffled.

“Kyle you’re ruining my moment.” Kenny said hurriedly before unclasping both Kyle’s hand and his mouth. “And your face is delightfully prickly feeling-you should stop shaving. But that’s not why we’re here today!”

Kyle used his suddenly free hand to rub the place where Kenny had pressed against. “Could’ve been gentler…” he muttered to himself before, “Wait we came to a bar so that you could not drink so that I would ask you why you weren’t drinking?” he questioned with a raised brow.

“Yes.” Kenny answered without pause. “But you’ve ruined that part! In my mind you exclaimed the right answer the first time and you were happy and excited!”

Kyle took a drink from the bottle, the sizzling beverage allowing him a small moment to digest. “I’m not sure why you thought this would be so easy to answer to be honest.” Kyle replied, scratching at his cheek and determining Kenny was right on it being prickly.

“But you’re the smartest kid in my class!”

Kyle held up his index finger, “Not really sure you can say that now. You don’t even go to college yet.”

“Then take it as a WOW reference.”

“So, I’m the smartest wood elf class of World of Warcraft? I don’t think that makes much sense.”

“See, you’re correcting me so you’re the smartest of some type of class-but anyway my news!” Kenny switched the subjects before Kyle could think on it more. “I guess I can phrase it differently? I can’t drink because I shouldn’t drink.”

“Okay…” Kyle began, then after some thought, “Give me another hint.”

Kenny frowned at that. “I don’t know another hint that isn’t obvious!” he admitted.

“Then give me an obvious hint or just tell me the news.” Kyle insisted.

Kenny gave him a disgruntled look before he smiled, “I won’t be able to drink for months.” The blond threw an expectant and happy look toward him.

“Are you positive it’s not the alcoholics anonymous thing I mentioned before?”

“No, Kyle! How could you not get this? I’m practically _glowing!”_ Kenny emphasized the last word, eyes alight once more.

Kyle stared at him a moment before, “You’re not supposed to drink because drinking only water makes you glow?” he guessed.

At Kenny’s head shake and exaggerated sigh Kyle shook his own head. “I give up, dude. Just tell me already.”

A frustrated sigh this time before, “Fine.”

A moment passed, both tense the entire time. “Okay…So, tell me.” Kyle insisted, tired of this waiting game Kenny was playing.

“I’m waiting for the right moment.”

Green eyes stared into blue ones for another moment. “Now seems as good a time as any.” he pressed.

Kenny looked away then back again, “Before I say it just know this was an act of true love!”

Kyle, who at this point had decided to take another sip of his beer immediately, spat it back out-directly into the bottle thankfully. He coughed a couple times then, back of his hand covering his mouth as he did so. “You-you cheated?” he managed as his hand hit his chest a couple times.

For all intents and purposes Kenny had been smiling-firmly in the belief Kyle would have guessed the right answer this time. Until the redhead spoke that was. Kenny exhaled. “Seriously, dude? Why the Hell would I get excited over that?” he asked.

The redhead calmed a little at that, his exterior still disheveled from the sudden fit but inwardly feeling lighter and more connected. Relieved, Kyle spoke, “So, then what’s this ‘love act?’”

“’Act of true love!’” Kenny corrected. “It’s you and me… We created a miracle!”

“What?” Kyle asked monotonously.

Kenny’s grin cracked a little, yet still determined he said loudly and proudly, “We’re having a baby!”

Kyle choked again, this time on his own saliva in shock. Settling after Kenny patted his back a couple times, he asked, “You called the adoption clinic already? We’re not even married yet I don’t understand-“

“Kyle, stop! I’m talking about me, I’m with child!”

Kyle blinked. Then blinked again. Exhale. “Wait, what?”

“I’m having your baby!”

Kyle stared at him for a bit, taking in the overwhelmingly happy blond in front of him. “Did you just say you-“

“I’m pregnant, Kyle, you’re going to be a dad-Well, we’re both going to be dads but that’s beside the point, or is it the actual point?” Kenny pondered this for all of a millisecond before he shook his head. “Who cares, I’m going to have a kid! And we can always hope for twins!”

Kyle tried desperately to look for the joke, but with Kenny acting so…truthful and forward he wasn’t sure there was one. Yet, he held out hope that Kenny had gotten better at acting. Which he honestly hoped wasn’t the case at the same time. He gave a choked laugh, “Ha ha, Kenny, very funny!”

Kenny looked him up and down at that, “Kyle we’re pregnant and you’re laughing?” he asked, voice stern even though he was still holding onto the happiness he’d displayed before. “I mean, I pictured you laughing because you were so happy but that was more sarcastic than expected.”

The redhead stared once more before, “So, you aren’t kidding?”

Kenny gave a huge grin at that, “You’re in shock, I understand! I was too! But no, I’m not kidding. I’m a dude that’s preggers-why on earth would you think I would joke about something so serious?”

Eyes shifted to the right as numerous memories of Kenny making fun of pregnancy danced across his mind. One in particular almost like this exact scenario until Kenny started cracking up declaring he was a dude and there was no way that could happen. “Oh, I don’t know…Maybe when you-“

“Okay, so that one time!” Kenny interrupted, already expecting the words and ready to turn them down.

“But then there’s the time you kept thinking I was pregnant-“

“In high school, dude! We hadn’t even done anything!” Kenny exclaimed.

“But we still haven’t _completely-“_

“Not that you know about anyway.” Kenny quickly replied.

Kyle looked doubtful, his expression changing slowly from bemused to getting irritated with one twitch of an eyebrow. “Pretty sure I’d notice if my dick-“

“Kyle! Shh, don’t say those things in public!”

“It’s not like there are kids here!”

“Yeah, but I’m talking about mentally there are.”

Kyle didn’t get a chance to respond-not that he would have known how to respond to that at all-when a Scottish-accented voice broke through their conversation. “The man’s having your child and all you can do is question him about it! Where’s your respect? Where’s your compassion?”

Both men in question exchanged bewildered expressions before looking for the source of the voice. And looking over the many faces they realized equally that they had been louder than they thought they were. Not that they had to be that loud in the first place, what with the small crowd and all.

“It’s okay,” Kenny began before he was interrupted.

“No, it’s not okay!” The man they’d been looking for said again as he stepped through his group of friends and toward the front of the bar. Kenny and Kyle sat at the main bar in the front, watching the display as their minds tried to make sense of what to say or do at this point.

None of this was helped by the fact the man was massive. They both wondered nearly at the same time how this man was ever hidden and if he was a South Park native or not. By size alone they didn’t think it possible to never have seen this man otherwise. Yet, when he spoke again his origin was implied so steeply they had to reevaluate their memories. Regardless of the accent.

“To have such a love as the two of you and to create a baby from it! You see, when I was a young boy my father took me into South Park to see a marching band. He said ‘Son when you grow up, would you go into a bar, and see off this pregnant man.’ He ended up loving this town and staying here. It’s a weird place, but things like this-this miracle happens! And you grow to love it again!”

Kyle furrowed his eyebrows at this; the song the man had almost copied word for word now in his head. _Did he do that on purpose?_ He didn’t know, but he also decided he didn’t care. This massive man with his crackly yet deep voice was starting to freak him out. And given the fact he’d just been freaked out with Kenny’s ‘pregnancy,’ he could proudly say he was confused and ready to chug the beer in hand. Somehow he didn’t think that would go over well with the crowd watching. Though he’d no idea why or where the idea came from, he wasn’t about to dismiss it.

“Dude!” Kenny said suddenly. “Was your father a prophet or something? So weird…”

Kyle winced, expecting the man to be angered by the words but instead he chuckled and all but ignored the question. He instead turned to Kyle, “My point is that this is a miracle-you should rejoice in it!”

Though he smiled throughout his words, Kyle felt threatened still. Perhaps by his size, or his deep voice, but either way he didn’t want to say anything to upset the large man who was approaching faster than Kyle would ever want anyone to approach.

Now very close, the man gave Kenny a huge grin. In turn, Kenny gave a grimace. Not bothered in the least, the man turned to Kyle and dropped the smile. In turn, Kyle gave a grimace very similar if not exactly like Kenny’s.

This made the man happy for some reason. “True love indeed! Next round on me boys!” he said enthusiastically. Then, with a serious face he growled, “None for you,” to Kenny.

The bar’s small crowd cheered and waved their arms into the air happily while the man focused on the nervous bartender. Kyle took this opportunity to grab Kenny’s hand and drag him out of the bar once and for all.

“We’re never going back in there,” Kyle finally said once they were outside and a good distance from the bar.

“But Kyle!”

“No.” Kyle stated. “And no trying to find that guy and inviting him over, okay?”

Kenny sighed at that, “Fine.”

In the car, Kenny took the driver’s seat. Pulling out of the parking lot, the silence was apparently too much to bear for him. “So?”

“’So’ what?” Kyle asked in turn, determinedly looking out the window.

“We’re having a baby!”

“We’re really not though.”

Kenny stopped the car at the parking lot’s exit. He groaned, “You still don’t believe me after what that guy said back there?”

Kyle quirked a brow at that, “You honestly think I’m going to change my opinion for some random possibly drunk and overall creepy dude at a bar?”

“Yes?”

“No. You’re not pregnant, Kenny. I’m not falling for this again.”

“You admit you fell for it last time?” Kenny said then with a smirk, before turning more serious at Kyle’s glare back. “Okay, so last time I did it was a ploy. I’ll give you that much.”

Kyle rolled his eyes, “And?”

“And what?”

“Aren’t you at least going to admit you’re wrong right now?”

“About?”

Kyle gave a long groan with a loud sigh after to demonstrate how frustrated he was getting. “About the so-called pregnancy.” he said finally.

“Oh, that. That’s real.”

A doubtful look crossed Kyle’s serious face, “Why are you doing this, this time?”

“I’m not doing anything, I’m telling the truth.”

“Just drive.”

“I took a test and everything!”

Kyle’s head snapped at that, eyes searching over Kenny’s form for any giveaway that the other was lying. He found none. “You took a pregnancy test?”

“What other test could I possibly mean? Yes, I took it.” Kenny explained, a bit crossly but holding onto the small strands of happiness he possessed.

“And it was positive?”

Kenny sighed, “Otherwise I wouldn’t announce it as such, am I right?”

“The test was positive?” Kyle asked, but his expression made it clear he was thinking over the entire situation in his mind. “I still don’t believe you.” he decided.

“Then don’t. Don’t believe me until there’s a baby coming out of my ass.”

“Your ass?” Kyle asked, grasping onto the words the moment they were said.

“Yes, Kyle, how else will a baby come out of me?”

Kyle laughed then, unable to help it at the moment. It was all too funny suddenly and he hoped somewhere in the back of his mind that Kenny would laugh with him. He didn’t.

The rest of the car ride was silent.

-0-

The next day Kyle hadn’t seen much of his partner. Not that he’d had much time to do so as he practically ran from one class building to the next. “Goddammit.” he exclaimed finally. He sat on the bench outside of the dorms, overlooking the map once more.

And then a sound he never thought he’d hear in college was heard. “Ky-le!” Kenny’s voice sang out, followed by the blond running to where he sat. A hand waved at him as the blond caught him there. In the opposite hand was a small pink bag with blue words. What it said Kyle couldn’t see, but it already filled him with dread. He dearly wished Kenny was the type to ignore someone until the fight was so far in the past it could be ignored.

“Kenny, what are you doing?” he answered unsurely.

“I brought you a gift!” Kenny said then as he stopped in front of the redhead.

“Thanks?” he half-asked half-said. “But did the money come from my account again I told you it was savings only and-“

“Stop focusing on the small stuff and open it!” Kenny pushed, pressing the bag towards Kyle’s hands which still had the map in them.

“I hardly call it ‘small stuff’ Kenny-but okay, fine.” The blond had all but hit him in the head with the gift bag at this point, the map smothered and squished-crinkled even. “You sure we can’t wait on this? I’m trying to find this class and-“ Kenny’s pleading look stopped him mid-sentence. He exhaled at that. “Okay, I’ll bite.”

“Oh, I know you will, but now is not really the time.”

Kyle’s expression told Kenny now wasn’t the time for his words either. Taking the gift and ignoring Kenny’s bouncing up and down, he read the words, “Congratulations!” He never sincerely hoped that this was the only bag Kenny could find before for gift placement. But he supposed there was a first time for everything.

He opened the bag and pulled out some blue tissue paper, feeling nervous as the signs pointing to what could be inside hit him fully. Opening further, he took out the only object he found. Pulling the tiny hanger upwards revealed a tiny blue and white sailor suit. Kyle froze while Kenny giggled.

“He or she or someone in between is going to look so adorable! I couldn’t resist Kyle! Kyle?”

Kyle had placed the gift back into the back and was now rubbing his temples. “You’re not pregnant Kenny.”

“But I took the test!”

“Are you sure it wasn’t an online test again? If this is another one of those ‘I have AIDs’ jokes I swear to God, Kenny.”

Kenny actually pouted. “I’m pregnant, why would I lie about this-you think I want what’s bound to happen to my body?”

“Kenny, you don’t have a womb there’s no way a baby-“

“That’s why it’s a miracle!” Kenny stated, hands in fists. “Take some responsibility, Kyle, you made me this way!”

“How? We haven’t even had sex yet.”

“That’s what you think!” Kenny declared for the second time in two days.  
  
“I don’t think you understand why only women have babies and what you have to do to have one…”

“No, you just don’t understand me and how it feels to have a baby inside of me!” Kenny said.

Kyle sighed, fingers rubbing his temples almost no help with the stress building. “Okay, I’ll go with it.” he said. He held up a hand to stop Kenny from his bouncing before continuing, “Let’s say you’re pregnant-don’t interrupt me again-let’s say you are. There’s still no way you would feel a baby inside of you.”

“You’ve never been pregnant Kyle, how would you know?” Kenny defended, crossing his arms.

“Because I know biology and I’ve talked to Wendy when she was pregnant. She didn’t know for a month. That means she didn’t know there was a being inside of her until she took the test and even then she didn’t feel any different until she got morning sickness.”

“Male pregnancies are different!”

“You mean nonexistent.”

“So you’re going to ignore your son or daughter or someone in between? And here I thought you’d be a _good_ father!” Kenny said, giving Kyle a disapproving look.

“Ugh.” Kyle continued to turn down Kenny’s words and eventually walked to his next class while Kenny went back to wherever he parked the car. Though the only thoughts on Kyle’s mind were about Kenny saying he was pregnant and wondering how Kenny was able to find him by the dorms so easily.

After school Kyle came to the apartment he and Kenny shared to find Cartman and Stan sitting on his couch. “Hi?” he greeted unsurely.

Stan smiled, “Hey, dude.” Then, seeing Kyle’s face, “Kenny invited us over. Something about big news.”

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose in the exact moment that Kenny entered, bringing with him cupcakes on a tray. “You have got to be kidding me, Kenny!”

Kenny ignored him and put the tray directly in front of Stan and Cartman. Kyle was about to grab Kenny and pull him into the kitchen for a serious talk when Cartman said, “Dude, weak! I thought Kenny topped you, that’s like ten bucks!”

“Wait, what?” Kyle asked looking back just as Cartman huffed and handed Stan a ten dollar bill from his pocket. Understanding now, Kyle gave both of them an irritated look while Kenny stayed smiling behind him. “You guys made a bet on which one of us ‘topped’ in sex?”

“Dude, why’re you upset, I voted you!”

Kyle rolled his eyes, “That’s so disgusting! Kenny and I don’t take bets on who ‘tops’ in your relationship!”

“Dude, mine is different!”

“That’s rude, Stan.” Kyle stated with a cross look.

“It’s just a bet!” Stan defended.

“Geez, get the sand out of your vagina, Kyle.” Cartman said, clearly growing bored of their argument.

“There’s not any sand-look I’m just saying it’s rude.” Kyle stated.

“Then I’m sorry for doing it-look if there was a way for Wendy to top-wait, she might have already found it.” Stan said, slowing down at the end as he thought over his words.

At that Kenny came over to Cartman and handed him a twenty dollar bill, watching as the smirking brunette took it. “Seriously?” Kyle and Stan asked at the same time.

The other two shrugged in response, Kenny murmuring something about how he didn’t think there was a way he would lose, while Kyle groaned and Stan looked embarrassed. “What’s the news?” Stan said then, if only to change the subject.

“Look at the cupcakes!” Kenny replied, once again happy.

Everyone leaned over them at once-except Cartman who’d already read them and taken one. Each one had a word written to make a sentence:

“We’re having a”

“You’re having a what?” Stan asked, confused.

Kenny sighed, looking at Cartman, who in turn finished the cupcake. “Baby!” he finished.

Stan sat still for a moment before exchanging a look with Kyle. “Dude, you already did this-“

“But it’s for real this time!” Kenny said, “I took a pregnancy test and everything! Besides, I already have Kyle so why would I make all that up again?”

“To get me to freak out only to laugh and say it was a joke and probably have some adopted kid on the way?” Kyle suggested.

“Why do you think so harshly of me?” Kenny asked.

“Because you do harsh things.” Kyle countered.

Before Kenny could act hurt Cartman said, “Okay, so you took the test and got positive, right?”

“Twice.” Kenny replied easily, making Kyle do a double take his way.

“Awesome,” Cartman said, smirking once more.

Stan sighed, “There’s no way you were right, I say wait until the baby’s out.”

“Wait, what?” Kyle asked, looking between the two.

“I’m not waiting, a lot of people owe me money and I’m going to collect.”

“How? I don’t understand…”

Cartman just smiled, “When you grow up in a town like ours you learn to bet on everything. Stan bet you would adopt I bet you would have a kid. I would’ve won if it was a surrogate too. But because it’s not I believe you owe me double…”

Stan grumbled, “How am I supposed to explain this to Wendy?” he asked himself before digging into his wallet for a hundred.

Kyle gaped while Kenny looked on sympathetically. “What is with you guys and betting? Just-I don’t care-get out I need some time with Kenny. Alone.” he supplied the last bit after Stan gave him a confused look.

“You already got him pregnant why keep trying-“

Kyle interrupted by basically dragging both men to the door then pushing them out. Hoping Stan would forgive him, he slams the door on them.

“Aw, Kyle, I had so many games planned like this one was to guess how far in I was by guessing when we last had sex!”

“We never had sex!” Kyle defended.

“I thought that too but apparently we did!”

“Ugh!”

“You know, Kyle, I thought after some time-“

“It’s only been a day!” Kyle said, only to be ignored.

“You’d take some responsibility and be a man!”

“With what?”

“What else? The baby, Kyle!” Kenny exclaimed.

“Goddammit.”

Kyle gave up then, choosing to ignore most of Kenny’s advances. Most of which were actual advances-he never thought he’d hear Kenny tell him, “It’s okay though! It’s not like I can get pregnant _again_!” ever. And he still wasn’t sure how to respond to it all.

After all why would Kenny make up an entire pregnancy scheme like this again?

-The next morning-

“KYLE!” Kenny shouted.

It wasn’t just his name being shouted that made him jump out of bed as fast as he did, no, it was the way Kenny yelled it. It was a mimic of Randy’s yelling of Sharon’s name. And that was freaky to the point of making Kyle jump out of bed and toward the still-shouting voice.

Kenny called him many times before Kyle finally found him inside a locked bathroom. Using the small key above the door trim, he opened the lock then pushed the door open with more force than necessary out of his frenzy

Only to stop and gape in horror at the site before him.

“Kyle, I thought it was nine months not like a week…” Kenny said drowsily, clearly out-of-it.

And looking down to the tile covered in slime-at the cracked eggs and tiny hands peeking out from them, he supposed Kenny had good reason to be.

“Shit.”

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
